The Unclean

One of the not so nice things about being fifty is that doctors start to stick things in places where things have never been stuck before. I am prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow and I figured everyone loves laxatives so here is my day so far:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee

Lunch- Diet Coke and 5 laxative pills

Not too bad yet as this was pretty much my diet from 1980-1995. The only difference is back then for dinner I would have a martini (with olive if I needed roughage) while tonight I shall be swilling a cocktail of gatorade and Mirolax. Yum.

5:15pm- 10 ounces of magnesium citrate

Yuck!! So sweet. It reminds me of what I had to drink when I was pregnant with Andrew for a glucose tolerance test. I found the test completely barbaric. After making me, a pregnant woman, fast, I had to drink this yucky stuff and have blood drawn every half hour or so to see how I processed the glucose. Well, after the first blood test I threw up and was told I would have to come back and do it again. I politely said, “No way. I threw up. Write down in my chart: does not tolerate glucose test.” I thought my body handled it perfectly, it got rid of it. O.K. Just finished the mag citrate and I am starting to get scared.

8:15pm- It is now time to start drinking an entire bottle of powdered laxative mixed with 64 oz. of gatorade. This does not taste nearly as bad as the liquid laxative. I mixed it in a a blue glass pitcher and it looks a lot like a pitcher of margaritas. What a fun party that would be! Ole!

Blogus Interuptus

I was planning on reporting on the rest of the evening, but I was in dispose. It was a loooong night and I think I only slept about two hours. The actual procedure wasn’t bad at all. In fact it was a great nap. They gave me warm blankets, pillows, drugs, and then after they asked me if I wanted apple juice. It was the most I have been taken care of since I was twelve. Don’t misunderstand, I do not want to be in the hospital, but it would be nice to be taken care of once in awhile instead of being the one taking care of everybody else. It did feel a little weird being wheeled out in a wheel chair as my friend with breast cancer jumped out of her car to open the door for me and drive me home, but oh well. The only problem is that I have to do it again because I wasn’t “clean” enough. Don’t ask. Also I am told I have to have an anesthesiologist next time because even though I was unconscious on the drugs they gave me apparently I was uncooperative and I fought them. That’s right even passed out I am difficult. I’m sure this will not surprise you. So in two weeks I have to do an even longer fast and cleanse and go back for colonoscopy number two. That’s o.k., at least I’ll get warm blankets and apple juice.