I Love Kids

My husband Don and I had a big talk about whether or not to have children and we decided that we weren't cut out to be parents. The only problem is we probably should have had this discussion twenty three years ago before Andrew was born. There is also our thirteen year old and our five year old to consider, but we have decided, no kids for us. I have to admit I thought it was a good idea once. They all look so cute when they are little and everyone tells you that what they are going through is "just a stage". Crying all night- "just a stage", terrible twos- "just a stage", absolutely mind numbing threes and fours- "just a stage". I finally got it, once you are done with one stage you move right into an equally terrifying if not worse stage. This whole "just a stage" thing is a huge trick to get you to keep them. It's like in AA when they tell me not to drink one day at a time. I'm onto them!! That means I never get another martini and with all these stages my children are going through I could really use one.

Children are not pleasant people. They are rarely appreciative and expect you to do everything for them. They can't even raise themselves. They are cunning little creatures that are always one step ahead of you. Once you have them figured out they mutate like a virus and you have to start all over again. I think if you want to have these alien creatures from hell you should do it when you are young and too stupid to realize that they will control your brain. You need the energy and the optimism of youth to believe everything will turn out o.k. Having a five year old when your fifty is just plain stupid. I don't really want to do kindergarten again with the other parents that could easily be my children.

I have to admit , however, watching my husband try to help Addie with her kindergarden homework at his advanced age is very entertaining. You would think he would have it down by now, but he doesn't. Don yells that he can't find the crayons, the scissors and glue are missing and that the instructions are unintelligible. Don graduated summa cum laude from a prestigious southern university. Which part of color, cut, paste don't you get?

I can't blame him really. We have lost too many brain cells just getting Sofie to thirteen and apparently we are going to lose more because it is going to get even harder. Parenting sucks.

I realize I am supposed to end this post with something nice like, "In conclusion I really really really love them and it is all worth it." Ha!! I am not going to say that because I don't know yet if it was worth it. What if they turn out to be serial killers? Andrew turned out to be a wonderful young man, but he is an actor. Who is going to give me a medal for turning out yet another actor? At least he is only hurting himself.

In conclusion, we wanted kids and we got them and now we have to raise them...... shit. I do actually love them and I certainly wouldn't want to be in a world without them. I would, however, really really really like to be in a hotel room without them once in awhile and I would love Don to join me just as soon as he finishes Addie's homework.